Man Friends
Ever wondered when the joke isn’t going to be on you anymore? I find myself asking that question quite often lately. You tell yourself over and over again that you don't "need" anyone, or you don't "want" anyone but then you find yourself five drinks deep wondering how you ended up next to "this guy" the next morning. Or you continually date the same guy. Tall, dark, handsome and ultimately a complete tool. It seems, however, that I'm not the only one. I have found that the majority of my girlfriends have been in the same situation multiple times. The butt of life's continual, ongoing joke that is Man and Woman.
I would like to share just a couple of those "jokes" now. Each one will be listed and described in poetic form.
Joke #1
About 7 months after my fiance' past away (we will pick off that oozing scab later) I decided to thrust myself "back in the saddle again", literally. I realized that being a walking zombie probably wasn't a good look for me anymore. Seriously, how many walls can a person stare at for hours on end before they actually start staring back? Poor decision on my part but in my defense I had no other feasible option at that point. Succumb to the darkness or snap back to reality? I chose a doozy…..
They Call Me Blaze - Blank Verse
I fell into the utter sweet smelling vomit of his whole approach;
Six years my junior, built like a Greek God, I should have guessed he was a guaranteed piece of shit!
A look, a touch, then six or seven drinks, and I was his;
In the low, sultry dim of morning I said to myself, "holy shit, at what point did you ever think this was a good idea?"
"Roofied" and "browned out" we moved in together;
That's when the habitual "blazing" began and things got weird.
A Greek God no more up top and certainly not down below! What's a girl to do?
Lie after lie; blaze after blaze acted out by a narcissistic idiot with an affection for pretending he was homosexual?
"Over it!" I declared, come get your poo!
A 42 inch flat screen, a couch, clothes and your DVD collection.
He refused, "If I can't have you I don't want to come get my things; do what you want with them."
So I trashed it all, even the TV; four weeks later he wanted me to pay him back for all of it. LOL!
Joke #2
My friend (she was mentioned in "The Lefty") met a Jim Tressell wanna-be in a bar. Needless to say we all see these red flags and completely ignore them. Sweater-vested-out Jim pursued her, somewhat wooed her, and ultimately left her wondering if she could ever watch an Ohio State football game again without feeling an incessant need to burn her sheets.
Delta Bravo - Limerick
There was a guy named Larry,
Who was very very scary;
He would watch the big game,
forget his name and cry himself to shame.
Samantha felt a need to help and held his hand,
this was bad, so bad, real bad!
He stayed the night and gave her a fright when he rolled over to say "goodnight."
"May I ask you a question?" whispered Larry the scary;
"Um sure what is it?" Samantha was leery;
"Did you fake it baby?" sneered the ever hopeful Larry
"Fake what? Nothing happened."
